Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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