I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
