I think I am morally bankrupt
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
