My nipple is on Facebook.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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