you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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