I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
