Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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