why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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