In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
