He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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