I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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