If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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