gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was confusing and full of hummus
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
