I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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