Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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