I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize