wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize