he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
