You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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