I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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