Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
