I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize