My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
