do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's blow job season.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
