She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
