thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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