my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize