I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
