my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
