this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
