Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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