I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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