You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
