Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
