i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
