So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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