He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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