the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize