Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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