You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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