If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
