Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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