If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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