You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
