I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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