I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
