I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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