Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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