I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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