I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
