ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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