dude i'm inner monologue high
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
