i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
