I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
