I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize