Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
