Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
